Legacy

Today in church they talked about men leaving a legacy and sitting on either side of me was only a small part of Ian's legacy. Danny on one side who said a beautiful prayer for father's day today and Matt Nolan who sat to my right and was only there because Ian said he was praying for him one day. 

Ian's legacy has been so powerful and visible that I cannot imagine the impact I am unaware of!

On the flip side...It's weird to have an "okay" day because guilt starts to set heavy in the evenings that is was mostly an okay day. Does that make any sense? I feel I should be crying more, but instead I'm just more depressed.

I miss all the silliness.
I miss all the talking.
I miss all the hugs.
I miss all the "Mom, I love you."
I miss all your friends who loved you.
I miss you wanting to be apart of everything - in the center of everything.
I miss all the new things you introduced us to.
I miss your ability to naturally play and write music.
I miss my little boy.
I miss my hairy boy.
I miss my muscle boy.
I miss my high jumping boy.
I even miss the complaining and the promises to do better.
I miss you.

~ mom

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No, not him.

I gave my son to my Savior
not willingly, quite unexpectedly. 
An exquisite pain consumed me intertwined
with silently rejoicing for his homecoming. 

My tears are my love song sung to Heaven.
God, bring him back, wake me from this nightmare. NO, not him.
HE answers always full of love, mercy, and grace.
"Daughter, watch what I can do through this inexplicable tragedy."

Your son will not know loss. 
He will not suffer. 
He is a man of God. 
Loved. 
Accepted. 
with Life Everlasting. 

Thank you Jesus. 
And, one day not too far off I will spend eternity with both my son and our Savior.

Until then, accept my tears as an offering for the man of God I love.

Please leave a brief comment - maybe even your initials for each post? Just curious to who the readers are! Love to you each.

UT Orientation

I had my first UT advising appointment today (along with a counseling appointment with Tamra in which I am suppose to try and find some happiness each day and hold on to it). Well at the advising appointment there was a little happiness - I could take two years to complete the program instead of one. GREAT!

Except on my drive home I realized that Ian would not be going back to Texas A&M in the fall and I sat in the grocery parking lot and cried out to God how unfair it all is. The rest of the night was teary eyed.

One other thing that brought some happiness was seeing Danny's missional community group come to our house for Bible study and Caylea fit right in. Very nice. 

God is good.

Please leave a brief comment - maybe even your initials for each post? Just curious to who the readers are! Love to you each.

Family Photos and Paying it Forward

We went to take "family" photos. But really they were suppose to be just photos of Caylea and Danny to put around the house because we already put so many of Ian up. Ari Morales (Ian worked with him at Starbucks) took the photos for us. Ari had moved to New Mexico a couple of years ago and made the drive for Ian's Celebration and then ended up staying because of how important family was to Ian. He took our photos for free because he felt like Ian "paid it forward" by having him come "home" to his family.

Well, we were not planning on taking family photos, but we ended up doing it anyway - they will be "heartbreaking" without a doubt because we cried and left a hole for our youngest son. Considering I have not yet had the ability to look at many photos, the "jar", or the celebration video yet I doubt I will be able to see these when they return for a while....

Please leave a brief comment - maybe even your initials for each post? Just curious to who the readers are! Love to you each.