1.
The first is to acknowledge who all are suffering. For us it wasn’t just
Greg, Caylea, Danny and I that needed attention, it was also the
grandparents, the aunts and uncles, the nieces and nephews, our closest friends
who helped raise Ian, and all his closest friends. Much of the focus was on us,
but after that the Celebration Service, these other people (especially the
grandparents, aunts and uncles and closest friends) needed love and attention
and care as much as we did! And we were in no position to provide it for them.
This is where you may be called to step up to provide comfort!
2.
The more pain or loss the more comfort people will need and for a longer
period of time. Most of you realize this, but as the first week or two passes the
comfort nearly stops altogether – and really at one of the most critical
junctures! The phase that comes after shock is realization and, emotionally
speaking, this is hard and really, really bites. Most people expect us to reach
out to them when we need something, but we can’t! We are incapacitated trying
to deal with simply getting out of bed! Making a phone call and asking for help
is beyond all possibilities in the months that follow. MONTHS, maybe even that
first year – I don’t know yet. See how you might provide proactive comfort
described below as time progresses from the early stages to the later stages of
grief.
3.
Generally I believe people fall into three relational categories –
family/like family, close friends, other. As you will read below, depending on the
category how you comfort the family will depend on the relationship. Note that
I didn’t say “friends” – that is lumped with Other. Friends can be interpreted
in so many ways and you will know if you are a “close” friend or not. Ian had
600 “friends” who showed up to the Celebration Service – we could not
accommodate all of them emotionally. If you weren’t close before, it is
unlikely you will be close immediately following! Be aware that attempting to
become close may add stress to the family that is already suffering.
In the first few days:
Family/like family: Be there. Don’t
say anything if there is nothing to say, but be there. Cry if they cry. Weep if
they weep. Hold them IF they want to be held. Pray. Time, hunger, thirst and sleep become irrelevant to those who are suffering. Make sure everyone is
eating/drinking by handing them food and drinks, ask if you can get their
medication for them (as prescribed and on schedule). Know the comfort you
provide will also comfort you.
Close Friends: Step in for the daily
needs of all the family and like family members and coordinate with Others
below. Fill in the gap where you see it needs to be filled – don’t ask! Just do
– asking “what do you need?” will almost always be met with tears from someone unable
to make decisions. Pray. Stop in for an hour or so to determine the needs and
then be sure they are done. If someone establishes themselves as the contact
for these tasks, contact them – not the Family!
Other: Support the close friends and
family by picking up, dropping off, doing things, but NOT STAYING! The amount
of people who drop by is overwhelming and everyone is already overwhelmed. Your
turn will come – don’t worry!!
•
Deliver food – healthy finger foods and fruit and veggies – nothing
fattening or heavy or difficult to fix/assemble – the less it needs to be
refrigerated the better. The fridge fills very quickly. Drop off in containers
that you do NOT want back and make that clear – write notes declaring your love
and concern.
•
Deliver drinks – purchase the Styrofoam coolers, fill with ice and Naked
juice (or equivalent) and water. The smaller sizes are better because they can
be actually finished and not wasted. Write notes on the containers with a
marker declaring your love and concern.
•
Coordinate with the close friends to pick up laundry and drop back off.
•
Do the yard…
•
Wash the cars…
•
Pray.
In the first weeks that follow:
Family/like family: Takeover for
the responsibilities that close friends had previously. Set up a schedule so
one or two people are there for each of these weeks that can drive, make
decisions, assist with the daily living and the never ending details that
follow a loss. More than one person may be needed if there are other kids who
must maintain a schedule or need comfort different from the older family
members.
Close Friends: Step in for the
weekly needs of all the family as the Others did above. Stop in for an hour or
so when it is good for the family to determine any unmet needs and TO LISTEN!
This is when we started processing all that had happened and for us we just
wanted people to listen.
Other: Send notes, text and/or
email once a week to provide comfort and to see if you can fill in the gaps
that are beginning to open with people heading back home and back to their
lives. Continue running errands as you see fit or until they ask you to stop.
Don’t expect a response! This may be a good sign that the family needs are
being taken care of.
In the months that follow EVERYONE should:
•
Ask if you can continue to provide a meal as you feel the calling to do
so. Ask if they would like for it to be dropped off or if they would like
company! But ask in such a way as to assume they just want it dropped off.
•
Start (and keep inviting if at first you get a “not right now” response)
to coffee, breakfast, lunch or dinner in a quiet location. Don’t put the burden
of following up or re-inviting on the one who is grieving. Give at least two
options for places and times to meet to reduce stress.
•
Start (and keep inviting if at first you get a “not right now” response;
stop altogether if you get a “no, never” response) to exercise (walk, yoga,
etc.). Again, give options for places and times to meet.
•
Write the family stories – short, medium or long – and send by text,
Facebook message or email. You can tell them the stories too, but then follow
up in writing. We have heard so many stories we cannot keep them straight or
remember the important details like you can and these can then be treasured for
much longer than the moment you first told it.
•
Continue praying. Everyday is a new reminder of the loss or suffering.
Every event brings new waves of grief. Sometimes breathing is even difficult.
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