Words/Actions that Bring Comfort

Let's start with Words/Actions that DON’T bring comfort:

        •    “Don’t grieve.” or “Stop grieving.” I have no control over my grief. IAN ALEXANDER POGUE was a great man of God who is worthy of a GREAT SORROW. Our tears communicate our love for him! When you tell us to stop it feels like you are asking us to stop loving him. Tears are just part of our journey and you may join us to say how much you loved him through your own tears!

        •    “You just need to get back to normal.” Our lives will never be normal again.

        •    “These are the things I am doing to protect my kids, to keep them safe….blah, blah, blah.” The suggestion with this line of logic is that I didn’t protect my own. This adds to my grief, even if it is well meaning.

        •    “He’s in a better place.” or “He wouldn’t come back if he could.” I agree!!! But he could and would have gone to the same place in 70 years. I do have comfort where he is and that he would not come back, but it does not help with my grief that he is not here right now.

        •    “I know these people who are experiencing X-bad thing, Y-worse thing and Z-super awful thing.” This is not a way to connect with us. Really, not the way. We need to be heard and comparing our experience to others' experiences does not take our pain away, it adds to our grief.

        •    “I know how you are feeling...I lost a (insert much less significant loss...like a puppy!).” Clearly, you don't know how I am feeling. And, we can't even explain how we are feeling because we don't completely understand the depth of pain we are in. There are no words that we could use and, in my opinion, everyone not only feels differently, grieves differently, but would feel and grieve differently depending on the loss. The only thing universal about loss is loss, after that I believe it is completely individualized and incomprehensible to others, even between spouses or siblings. 

        •    Advice. Unless you have been through the same thing or something very similar – just don’t.

        •    Avoiding altogether. If you don’t know what to say or do, just say so, or just be there. Don’t run from us or hide. We still “see” you not there. And after several months, life gets very lonely with people avoiding us.


Words/Actions that bring comfort:

        •    “I love your child.”

        •    “I miss him.”

        •    “I wish I had known him.”

        •    Cry. 

        •    Hug. 

        •    Be there – even when it is difficult because there will be tears and quiet moments that may feel uncomfortable. Be patient for that day when the conversation will return to a new normal.  

        •    Listen.

        •    Recognize we all grieve differently and respect each person's grief as their own and not a reflection of anyone other than themselves.

        •    Love on those we love – those extended family members who are left to themselves.

        •    Tell good and funny stories about our loved ones (and then send them in writing with as much detail as you can muster).

        •    “I love you.”

Note the first list is much longer than the second. Comfort is hard to achieve and rarely found in words when there is no "fixing" the situation.