my biggest fear. living.

to my beloved ian

my biggest fear since October 17, 1987 was having my son die. without any doubt i knew i would die if he did. then on August 20, 1992 my fears were doubled with your sister. then tripled on December 28, 1993 when i gave birth to you, my precious, precious baby boy.

as you know on April 19th of this year my biggest fear was realized when you went Home.

i am constantly reminded of a story a friend told me....that when you are terribly seasick you worry you will die from it before it passes and that as time goes along you start to worry you won't die! that is now my biggest fear. living.

how do i live without you? as soon as i stop moving my heart explodes in my chest like it did on that first day when i realized you were late and it physically hurts - hurts like i have been stabbed through. as soon as i slow down my stomach heaves and i want to vomit so badly and it is all i can do to get it under control. as soon as i have a moment to think i cry and find it so hard to stop.

ian. ian. ian.

how do i live without your constant chatter? without your youtube videos? without listening to you play the same song over and over and over on the bass or the guitar? without you telling me all about your friends and work and school and teachers? without your hugs? without your encouragement to get up and exercise? without wondering what you will grow up to be? without wondering about your wife and kids? without you grabbing a blanket, flipping on the fan and falling asleep in front of a friday night movie? without you dragging half of college station here with you every weekend? without all your high school friends here during the breaks and holidays?

how do i live without you? how do we all live with this much pain and ache and void?

i know God's promises are true and i know you walk with Him, but i miss you. and already my new fear is constantly being realized. living without you. and as time moves on i feel further and further away from you when in reality i know each day brings me closer to the day i will see you again in Glory.

i cannot wait. i cannot wait. i cannot wait.

but i will
for your dad,
for your brother,
for your sister.

i love you ian.