Yours Alone

In the Day of Trouble I Seek the Lord

I cry aloud to God, aloud to God, and he will hear me. In the day of my trouble I seek the Lord; in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying; my soul refuses to be comforted. When I remember God, I moan; when I meditate, my spirit faints. You hold my eyelids open; I am so troubled that I cannot speak. I consider the days of old, the years long ago. I said, “Let me remember my song in the night; let me meditate in my heart.” Then my spirit made a diligent search: “Will the Lord spurn forever, and never again be favorable? Has his steadfast love forever ceased? Are his promises at an end for all time? Has God forgotten to be gracious? Has he in anger shut up his compassion?” Then I said, “I will appeal to this, to the years of the right hand of the Most High.” I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your wonders of old. I will ponder all your work, and meditate on your mighty deeds. Your way, O God, is holy. What god is great like our God? You are the God who works wonders; you have made known your might among the peoples. Psalm 77:1-14 (ESV)

I have been both anxious to tell of God's miracles in our lives, but also scared to blog some of them for fear of judgment as a whack job who is reading way too much into things. Well, let me set all naysayers straight, I believe in a God who can do miracles, a God who works wonders. I believe in a God who is bigger and better and beyond my limited imagination. I also believe that through the loss of Ian I see God in my life in new ways to me (not that He has changed!). I believe He has been there all along, but I have new eyes to see His miraculous touch in my life in particular. So, to God’s Miracles for the Pogue Family and others that we do know of firsthand.

The Parting of the Red Sea Miracles – The ones that come along once in a lifetime.

On Mother’s Day at 6 am Greg and I were lying in bed talking as we had for the past two weeks every morning. These talks allowed us to share what was on our hearts and we both wanted Ian home…we wanted to be with him…and then I heard “Mom.” Greg and I both stopped in the middle of our conversation and looked toward the bedroom doors. We waited and waited. I finally said, “did you hear someone call Mom?” Greg looked at me and said, “No, I heard someone call Dad.” We laid there for a few minutes soaking it in. Then Greg got up and checked the house. All five pets were sleeping as was Caylea. We believe without doubt, God opened Heaven so we could hear Ian call our names. Thank you, thank you, thank you. May we not forget.

The day after Greg’s birthday and Ian’s one month Homecoming anniversary I was taking a mid-morning nap and had a vision – a glimpse of Heaven – not a dream. I rarely recall a dream and it always gets fuzzy within minutes of waking – always. Well, this particular morning I was dozing in and out of sleep and found myself walking in a place that had silver sidewalks and silver water that flowed through the streets but no one seemed to be wet. I then saw one of my sisters with beautiful short dark hair working with a clipboard and she was filled with joy. Shelley, work and joy have never occupied the same space, sentence or thought! I then saw my sister who was not blessed with the most hair in the family – albeit beautiful – but very thin. Mandi was sitting and brushing her hair that swept thick, beautiful and long (all the way to her ankles) and she just looked up at me and smiled. (I did notice a very attractive man sitting next to her as well with dark hair.) I then was walking around and as I turned I saw Ian. Ian just as he had looked the last time I saw him except in his El Salvador shirt, but still wearing a beany, jeans and smiling ear to ear. He said “Hi Mom” and hugged me. I was so astonished I pushed him away at arms length, grasped both of his ginormous biceps and said “I thought you were dead.” [Not my most eloquent moment.] He replied, “No Mom, I am okay. I love you.” And my vision ended. For a brief moment I saw into Heaven and was able to touch, listen and talk to my child. I wish I had said more, but I know Ian knows my heart.

• The leap from dream to vision was not difficult. I never thought it was a dream, but to confirm I believe God caused my cortisol levels to increase just as much as they had done when we initially learned of his death and Greg and I were extremely dehydrated for many hours. I “woke” extremely dehydrated just as though it were that first day. I have never experienced that kind of dehydration except that first day and the morning of my vision.
• The leap from dream to vision was also not difficult because with my prescription for Ambien I have not had a single dream, not one.
• Also, both a book and a friend confirmed the “working” in Heaven thing which threw me for a bit. Still need to read more about that.
• Lastly, if it had been a dream I surely would have said something more fitting for the occasion…like “I love you and miss you.” Or if really a dream…“Come home.”

Others have chimed in with their own visions and dreams where Ian has said with a big grin “I am okay and I love you” while giving those big bear hugs he was so good at for both family and friends.

•  In Caylea’s words: My dream/turned vision of Ian was odd. It began with me watching a cartoon similar to Courage the Cowardly Dog, although the cartoon was interacting with me and talking to me incoherently. I was in the room with Lucy (our puppy), who was dominating my attention with her excited state. I felt someone was watching me, but did not give any mind to it. I decided I wanted to leave the room and had to ‘trick’ the cartoon to get out the room by giving it a piece of candy. In the new room, I noticed Ian was standing there (~8-9 years old) wearing one of his (really Dad’s) large red shirts and large khaki shorts. When I saw Ian, I ran to him, hugged him and repeated “I love you” three times before waking. 
•  One was a vision a friend had where Ian said he did not recall the accident, all he knew was fell asleep and woke in Heaven. 
• I am in awe how God uses dreams and visions to bring comfort to those who need it when they need it.

My “wounded healer” and her family. On Mother’s Day we arrived home after 20 hours of bringing Danny to Austin to find a condolence card in our front basket. I didn’t know who Emily and Nancy were, but the card held the perfect words for the day I had experienced and even after only two weeks I could begin to feel healing. I learned through Facebook within an hour that Ian carried Emily’s books for her in the dorm, that was the extent of their “relationship”, but more so I had learned that Emily lost her precious brother 4 years before and offered her mom Nancy’s phone number and email address should I feel a need to reach out. My friendship with Nancy and I, Greg’s with Richard, Caylea’s with Emily, and maybe one day soon, Danny’s with Kester, (and no doubt Ian’s heavenly relationship with Josh) have been an ongoing miracle for us personally, as well as families as we struggle living out 1 Peter 1:3-7:

Born Again to a Living Hope: Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God's power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.

On our way home from Europe in which we cried and cried and ended as soon as Greg finished work rather than staying for another week, I was beginning to feel quiet anxious about coming home and not having Ian here to greet us. He was supposed to take care of the house and animals while we were gone….

• We came home and as we unpacked, Caylea opened her mail and left it on the kitchen counter. I glanced over and saw her license plate (not preordered!) and it was Ian’s birthday – “BTY 12/28!” It was as if Ian were home greeting us. Thank you Lord.
• The very next morning Danny sent me a photo of his license “BYT 9319”. Ian was born in ’93 and went home on the 19^th when he was 19. In fact, Caylea pointed out that the 3+1=4 for April – April 19^th, his Homecoming date!
• Each of our earthly children have our heavenly child reminding them he is with them all the time.

Last year at Texas A&M fish camp Ian wrote a letter to himself regarding his hopes for his first year, as well as his fears. It was then sealed and self-addressed. The leaders then mailed them this summer to the students and the person who was Ian’s leader wrote to us the directions for the letter and that he hoped it also brought us comfort. The leader also shared that he very much enjoyed having Ian in his group and felt Ian was an awesome “man of God.” I cried when I read what he wrote, but with much trepidation I read Ian’s very short letter to himself. The first sentence was about making the most of his first year (and from the sounds of it, he did). His second sentence was his fear – becoming the “man of God” he was called to be. Clearly, he accomplished this as his own words were repeated not only by his leader a year later, but by so many over and over throughout the weeks following his Homecoming.

Mandi…a transcript from my conversation with my beautiful sister.

• “The beauty I saw that day…even with all the sadness, I saw beauty, and I believe that was the first time my eyes were truly opened to see God twinkle before my eyes.”
• The day of Ian’s Celebration Service had many trigger points. The complete surrender of everyone interlocked and praising God with hands raised was the strongest. Witnessing young men comforting Danny, Caylea taking advice from a nine year old Ian regarding “owning” their own faith and Greg and I holding raised hands praising God. Mandi knew she was missing out on something watching the “sea of kids raising their hands at Ian’s Celebration” and not only wanted it for herself, but for her children. She began praying (not even realizing that was what she was already doing) to believe in something bigger than themselves.
• Strengthened a journey she had already started on. Desires a quarter of the faith she observed that day at Ian’s Celebration Service for herself and her family.
• Began attending a church after quite a bit of research and started attending with Shelley and was very nervous about all aspects of going, including what to wear and whether even to go. And, then she was there! The service was on Mother’s Day and there was a video that was very impactful – including an auto accident in the video causing all to cry and not much else was remembered.
• After returning from the second Sunday service the kids wanted to know how many more days until church! Mandi’s heart was filled with joy seeing that her prayers were already being answered. Keeps going over and over to church each Sunday whether with others or by herself and cries the whole time – a good cry.
• Believes more and more in the Gospel, and each day that her faith is stronger than the day before and has begun to pray about baptism and the courage to overcome anxiety to really make a public profession of faith, for herself and for her children because it is a journey they are on together.
• Mandi shared that Ian would have added so much to her family's life whether laughter, smiles, stories, and music over the years had he stayed here on earth, but instead he added something eternal to their lives – the opportunity to go Home, too.

The Water Gushing from a Rock Miracles – When we are parched and need God’s presence in undeniable ways.

In prayers answered as we are in the middle of praying (sometimes without even realizing what we are saying is a prayer). This is just several of the very first examples:

•  I did not want to see any of my children lifeless. The accident was bad enough that I did not get a chance or have to see Ian.
• That Ian was unaware of the accident as it was about to happen. Autopsy, donation information and conversations with the professionals at the scene have confirmed he was asleep, not alert, not aware. So even though all of this information was overwhelmingly difficult to take in and it brought us to our knees, we know our child did not suffer physical or emotional pain even for a moment. [Side note, Greg’s mom did not want us to be alone when the autopsy information came in. During the two weeks it was due we were alone, however, it did not come in for five more weeks and when I received the call there were six people who loved on me in our home.]
• No one else was seriously injured.
• He had not used his phone to text, web search or make calls in the hour prior to the accident according to phone records.

Jeff Mangum, a pastor at The Austin Stone Community Church, was on sick leave for several months and was cleared just one week prior to Ian’s Homecoming. Caylea had babysat for Jeff and his wife and when Jeff heard about Ian he immediately volunteered to do the service. He did not know Ian prior to volunteering, but as he learned more in just a few short days he discovered he and Ian were kindred spirits. They each had suffered from sleeping disorders, each had been filled with the gift of extreme empathy, each loved talking and doing and not staying still…In fact, the morning Jeff came to visit us he was awakened at 3 am to read about Stephen and God confirmed this was the message he was to deliver. We cried as he talked to us because we heard God’s voice clearly coming from Jeff and we were comforted. Bonus blessing – Jimmy McNeil was able to lead the worship – E’s favorite (and the Pogue family’s favorite) worship leader, no disrespect to the others who we also love.

Ian’s full time ‘ministry’ was people.

• See Mandi's story above!
• One of the things he was doing was preparing his mop on his head for a donation to Locks of Love and it would be at least two years before that was to be accomplished – a long two years because his hair grew out rather than down! Within a week of his Homecoming 13 people had donated 9” to 20” of their own hair to Locks of Love with others planning to do so as their own hair hits the right length!
• Ian gave what he felt was a meagerly $40 a month to Austin Stone’s intern program – but he mentioned to me that he knew God was faithful even for the little things and could multiply them – and God did – the latest donation was $7,400 to the internship – more than Ian would have given in 15 years!!!
• Ian was hyper concerned with people being healthy and wanted to spread his own love for health with others. Since his Homecoming there have been regular donations of blood and platelets by his family and friends. But even more so, his own donation of tissue and bone will most likely help more than 100 people!!!
• I am so proud of my son and his ministry that has allowed God to show miracle after miracle to prove Ian’s life had more significance than we could have imagined that would have followed after only 19 years.

In finding 72 voice and guitar/bass recordings after his Homecoming. We did not know he had ever recorded himself! The first time I have ever heard him sing as an adult was the night before Mother's Day and the first voice recording I heard was “How He Loves Us.” We also found a full version of a guitar solo song he wrote. Praise God - Greg was devastated that he never learned the song himself, and now he can.

Tobi, my friend, my sister and my mentor. For six years I have known her as Tobi. You may recall her standing next to my sister Heather (taller blond/red head) during the Celebration Service on stage with me. Well, on a really tough emotional day in which I had to figure out how to get Ian’s car into the junkyard’s ownership I asked Tobi to lend a hand and fill out all kinds of paperwork establishing heirship. When I first saw the paperwork I stared at it for a long time and then the tears flowed. “Tob-ian-na” had completed the documents as necessary with her full name. I had always felt Tobi and Ian were kindred spirits and now I had proof and a bit more healing. Six years…proof God’s plan is perfect, even if it isn’t the one we would choose, He shows us daily (if we have the eyes to see) that He is in every detail. 

The Daily Manna Miracles – When we need sustenance to keep our emotional energy turned toward God.

Although changes are not easy for many of us, Danny has never been one to embrace it and poor guy had change slammed down his throat this year. On Mother’s Day he moved to Austin to be close to us (praise God!) and began looking for a job that would take him out of his previous lifestyle of cash and empty pockets and no evenings or weekends available. Without any previous experience, and with some prompting from a friend to apply, he was able to earn a position as a paralegal that is Monday through Friday and optional overtime on the weekends only one mile from his own apartment [another praise]!

Caylea was planning to do a study abroad this Summer in Spain, but with Ian’s going Home, well, things changed. UT was willing to refund her full trip and American Airlines refunded her ticket completely. Without this trip, Caylea considered summer school to accelerate her graduation date or an internship in a company. Being several months behind in the application process, getting an internship was very unlikely. But through the assistance of her Uncle Kurt and grandfather, her resume was put before the hiring managers at Mustang Engineering. They recognized her potential and invited her for an interview. At the interview, she impressed the manager – but a position was unlikely, since he already had his “fill” of interns. So, Caylea began attending summer classes. Then the call came – she had an internship at Mustang! The value of the internship was clear – so she headed to Houston to stay with the Gross family – a blessing on both sides. And once again God intervened and UT fully reimbursed us her for classes well after the deadline! 

We received more life insurance money than expected to fund missions (especially Brendan’s trip to Africa – see separate amazing legacy blog) and school loan forgiveness to fund therapy and resources for coping with deep loss – including family tattoos to honor Ian by a Christian tattoo artist who has become like family to us.

Texas A&M has a tradition, along with others in the Silver Taps process, to dedicated a book in the Sterling Evans Library to the fallen Aggie (using a silver dedication page). The book Texas A&M sent as “Ian’s book” was one they hand selected for his major (he had not moved from general studies to exercise physiology yet) and Caylea thinks they selected the book by eeny-meeny-miny-moe and it was a ‘pre-automobile park and landscape book,’ including the intriguing chapter on “The Reconstruction of Plath National Park 1930-1935.” Clearly, Ian would have only cared about this topic if Frisbee were involved! I spoke with the library group and in a 2 minute search found a book dealing with strength and conditioning training for team sports. A&M agreed that this book would be an excellent addition to their library and purchased the book basically as a remembrance to Ian. Here is where God stepped in...I sent the book as an example, I had no idea if it was a good selection! However, God knew and great reviews surrounded the book – with the exception of one that said it “had too much research.” That would have excited Ian as he habitually searched out the best manners for exercise and would teach all who would listen the best practices. The paperback book also had the cool action shot of a basketball player doing a hammer dunk – one Ian wished he could do on a 10 foot goal! We think that many exercise physiology, athletic training and pre-PT students will find the book interesting and also see this fitting memorial to what Ian loved – health, fitness, teaching and training.

In July many of Ian’s friends were coming for a week to visit with us and bring us encouragement. I was very anxious about the bittersweet times I anticipated. That Monday morning as I was running errands for the six visitors to begin arriving that evening it started to rain…This was a miracle! I had been waiting for it to rain for two months since Ian’s passing so I could participate in his favorite activity – walking in the rain barefoot. It was as if he said – I am here with you and will be there with you all the time. So, as I walked barefoot on University of Texas campus in my Texas A&M shirt crying and thanking God for His timing, I am sure the t-sippers thought I had not only lost my mind, but my way too as an Aggie.

Nathaniel Cole Gross had a middle name randomly chosen because it sounded nice – unlike his brothers who were named after family members. After Ian’s Homecoming, Nate, E’s younger cousin, asked us if he could change his middle name from Cole to Alexander to honor Ian. The answer was a resounding “YES!” Nate, Shelley and Kurt went before the judge and tearfully and with much joy took on this name linking these loving cousins together in a more intimate manner. At this same time, Nate was engaged in a contest with other football players in Katy to sell the most tumblers to raise money. The top prize was an iPad mini. Nate called us Saturday night to tell us that he had won the contest and a second prize existed. They were going to name a football field after the winner for the coming year. Nate deferred having his name on the field and suggested that they name the field after Ian. So, for the 2013-2014 school year, kids in Katy will play sports on the “Ian Alexander Pogue” field – thanks to the care and generosity of his cousin Nathaniel Alexander Gross! God loves children and calls them to himself and clearly has Nate’s name on his lips.

And these were only the miracles we have witnessed. Daily we receive text messages, email messages, pictures, stories, and visits from family, friends or adopted children that keep us standing when we feel we will surely fall – all signs of God’s good and mighty deeds.

My mouth will tell of your righteous acts, of your deeds of salvation all the day, for their number is past my knowledge. With the mighty deeds of the Lord God I will come; I will remind them of your righteousness, YOURS ALONE. (Psalm 71:15, 16 ESV)