i have three. three.

Dear loved ones,

Somewhere along the way in the past six months so many people, I daresay most, in my life seem to have decided on their own that I only have two children. This is a reminder that I have THREE.

Most of you I don't see on a daily basis or talk to with a ton of regularity, but even for those I do, please ask me about Ian. He is still part of my life. In fact, for the past six months he has had the most impact on my life, my thoughts, my actions, my everything. So, to call or text and "avoid" one of my children regardless where they are (in Austin or Heaven), who they are with (friends, significant others, Jesus) and how we interact with them (words, actions, thoughts, memories, etc.) simply hurts. And I am already in pain - hurting more than seems bearable and I am sure you don't mean to cause more.

I have heard from many of you that talking about or thinking about Ian makes you cry and you don't want to cry and you don't want to "do that to me." I am here to say loud and clear - cry. CRY, MOURN, REMEMBER, and most importantly TALK TO ME about my beloved, precious son who is still living! Each time will help with healing for us both.

The thing that has scared me MOST since his Homecoming is people "forgetting" him. Agreed, we may not forget, but how am I to know? Not only are people NOT talking about him, but I used to get daily or weekly texts or phone calls from some of you. It has for the most part stopped. And now, when I need people most, I am being left alone and the loneliness is just another added hurt.

So just a heads up. A momma LOVES, LOVES, LOVES talking about her children - even through tears - on a regular basis. And I have three. THREE.

How?
     When you call and ask how things are going with Danny or Caylea, literally ask "how are things with Ian?" (We still interact with him everyday--at times with every breath we breathe.)
     When you pray for Danny and Caylea, consider being thankful for something about Ian (Philipians 1:3: I thank my God every time I remember you.). You may not do this on your own, but when you pray with us we would love for you to mention Ian. I am pretty sure Ian can hear you! And even if he can't, we can.
     When you remember something about Ian, text us.
     When you remember a story about Ian, send an email (ian_redeemed_pogue@yahoo.com).
     When you run across anything and everything reminding you of Ian, pick up the phone and tell me or Greg or Caylea or Danny.
     Remember the 19th and let us know that you are remembering with us. This date is more important than his birthday and you wouldn't let that one go unnoticed. I say this because last Saturday only three people "remembered" Ian that we know of. THREE.

Just like the number of children I have. So I will respectfully ask that (1) you call or text like you used to (if you still want to...and include whatever is going on in your life! And, don't worry about complaining - agreed, your life doesn't suck as bad as mine and I pray it never will - but it can still be hard at times and I am interested in whatever is in YOUR LIFE TOO and I am done having it all about me) and (2) if you are going to talk about my children be prepared to talk about all of them, and yes, for awhile that may involve kleenex.

This blog was prompted by my sad feelings all week. Sad because it has been six months and a week. Sad because I am lonely. Sad because I feel people are forgetting my big burly son with the bigger heart...

Three. I have three.

my biggest fear. living.

to my beloved ian

my biggest fear since October 17, 1987 was having my son die. without any doubt i knew i would die if he did. then on August 20, 1992 my fears were doubled with your sister. then tripled on December 28, 1993 when i gave birth to you, my precious, precious baby boy.

as you know on April 19th of this year my biggest fear was realized when you went Home.

i am constantly reminded of a story a friend told me....that when you are terribly seasick you worry you will die from it before it passes and that as time goes along you start to worry you won't die! that is now my biggest fear. living.

how do i live without you? as soon as i stop moving my heart explodes in my chest like it did on that first day when i realized you were late and it physically hurts - hurts like i have been stabbed through. as soon as i slow down my stomach heaves and i want to vomit so badly and it is all i can do to get it under control. as soon as i have a moment to think i cry and find it so hard to stop.

ian. ian. ian.

how do i live without your constant chatter? without your youtube videos? without listening to you play the same song over and over and over on the bass or the guitar? without you telling me all about your friends and work and school and teachers? without your hugs? without your encouragement to get up and exercise? without wondering what you will grow up to be? without wondering about your wife and kids? without you grabbing a blanket, flipping on the fan and falling asleep in front of a friday night movie? without you dragging half of college station here with you every weekend? without all your high school friends here during the breaks and holidays?

how do i live without you? how do we all live with this much pain and ache and void?

i know God's promises are true and i know you walk with Him, but i miss you. and already my new fear is constantly being realized. living without you. and as time moves on i feel further and further away from you when in reality i know each day brings me closer to the day i will see you again in Glory.

i cannot wait. i cannot wait. i cannot wait.

but i will
for your dad,
for your brother,
for your sister.

i love you ian.

hurry back. hurry back.

Dearest Jesus,

Tell Ian hello.
Give him a hug for me.
Please let him know I miss him, especially his heart and his voice.
Tell him I love him.

I love you and I trust you, even when it hurts like this.

~ Yours


p.s. hurry back.