Neither can I.
It is a dream. A very bad one. He's at school. He's going to text or call soon.
"I can't imagine what you are going through" is the most common theme of conversations involving Ian. I can't imagine either. I think if the reality ever fully kicks in I will lose what is left of my mind and my heart will cease to beat.
The plain truth is, I don't want to go "there." The most peace I can find is in those brief moments when reality is elusive and I can live in denial.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Monday, March 17, 2014
Living with a broken heart
mar. 17, 2014
Hey Dude,
I am watching a movie with Caylea. This is our fourth night in a row to watch a movie "together"--her in Houston and me at home--a way for us to connect. Tonight the selection was "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days." I can't remember if you like this movie.... We hadn't seen it in forever.
As I was watching I started thinking of how people often say they would "die of a broken heart." And they refer to this relationship or that one. So many times in my own life I thought that I would, especially when I was younger and immature. But over the past eleven months it still astounds me that I can live with a shattered heart, a heart that is missing a beat every moment.
For the past few weeks the denial has been frequent and necessary to go throughout the day. But dang it if the nights aren't full of reality. The reality that silence is deafening, moments of quiet end with sobbing and an intense longing for you, all of which is overwhelming.
I keep thinking how life changed in just a nod of your beautiful head. We did not have enough time with you here Ian. I know one day we will have all eternity and every tear will be wiped away, but it feels too long to wait.
I love you,
Mom
Hey Dude,
I am watching a movie with Caylea. This is our fourth night in a row to watch a movie "together"--her in Houston and me at home--a way for us to connect. Tonight the selection was "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days." I can't remember if you like this movie.... We hadn't seen it in forever.
As I was watching I started thinking of how people often say they would "die of a broken heart." And they refer to this relationship or that one. So many times in my own life I thought that I would, especially when I was younger and immature. But over the past eleven months it still astounds me that I can live with a shattered heart, a heart that is missing a beat every moment.
For the past few weeks the denial has been frequent and necessary to go throughout the day. But dang it if the nights aren't full of reality. The reality that silence is deafening, moments of quiet end with sobbing and an intense longing for you, all of which is overwhelming.
I keep thinking how life changed in just a nod of your beautiful head. We did not have enough time with you here Ian. I know one day we will have all eternity and every tear will be wiped away, but it feels too long to wait.
I love you,
Mom
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)