"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die."

Movies.

Our family has (had) a slight movie addiction and I think they blame it on me and my collection of nearly 600 movies... Princess Bride has (had) been a particular favorite of ours since before Ian could utter words. It came out the year Danny was born. If you have not seen it, quit reading now, go watch it and come back. I can wait.

We often walk(ed) around the house citing funny lines from movies (and good TV shows) whenever an opportune moment presented itself. We also worked very hard at saying things that were completely inappropriate, although well timed, to get someone to smile or laugh or pee themselves. It is (was) our way to have fun and to be silly. Until 5 months ago we did this everyday or nearly everyday without fail. Even when the kids were at school it became a texting game.

Public mocking of our children (to prepare them for the cruel world) was instituted at all possible moments and guess what - they can (could) laugh at themselves better than anyone.

And as a family of five we laugh(ed). We giggle(d). We smile(d) each time we were able to sneak a "good one" in.

Some of my favorites:

"The panda is dead."

"Can you leave me alone for just five more minutes? I just got into the third act." [with an English voice and moving sock puppet] "Yes! Close the door! It's bloody chilly in here!"

"May the schwartz be with you!"

Ian about drove me nuts with "That's what she said." To the point I could do it as quickly as he could to just about every person I ran across in every conversation...and by the way...it is not tactful to do it all the time. Caylea also mastered this phrase. It's catchy, dang it.

Greg and I talk(ed) a LOT about sex in front of the kids as they got older, especially if we knew they could hear us but they thought we were being private. A FUN game. If our kids have (had) any questions still unanswered it is because we don't "do it" that way! (Sorry, could not help myself.) And we threatened nudity if the going got tough. It works like a charm. [For all you aghast at the thought we would discuss sex as a normal part of everyday life that could be fun, well check out Song of Solomon - as usual God says it best!)

Greg walk(ed) around making up goofy songs to go with whatever was going on. We should have recorded him! It was that ridiculous and funny.

Ian re-enacting Wolverine as a young kid - knives and all (see old Facebook post). Listening to Caylea and Danny do a Harry Potter lines while Ian and I just said "what?"

Monty Python offered tons of material. The black night with his "just a flesh wound", the old man with "I'm not dead yet" and King Arthur requesting "the holy hand grenade" for the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog...I have already heard three times today from Greg, Danny and Caylea quoting without the help of the internet:

First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.

Teaching the kids to dance, but by first showing them what not to do - which entailed smashing our bodies as close together so that we end up prone and kissing....you get the idea.

Oh, this is funny and may get me in trouble, even with E. We each had a "thing" - something we did that was completely embarrassing that we NEVER let each other forget. So here it is for the world to read. Greg's involves pinching his own nipples in public. I am not making this up. I was there. I wish I wasn't, but I was. Mine is flipping off the Girl Scouts (not fully extended fingers, but, yes, with both hands). Danny's involved jumping out of a moving car and getting his foot run over - in his defense - his was the most painful. Caylea's was accidentally backing her car into her aunt's car during a parallel parking exercise - as she gunned it. Ian's was undressing while going through a scanner at the courthouse to tuck his shirt in and standing there like a deer caught in the headlights, pants wide open, whitey tighties in plain sight. Twice.

The boys at 13, 16 and 18 had to "suffer" through Hello Kitty or Barbie themed birthday parties. And for their 13th birthdays had to do a scavenger hunt where they went door to door asking our neighbors to wear make up, clean lent dryers, put on wedding dresses; you get the idea. For Ian's 18th birthday we wrapped every single thing in his room in foil, including his drawers, what was in them and the ceiling fans.

The boys as teenagers were also inducted into the Vageena Club. Ask Becky. It was all her. And they loved it.

Back to Princess Bride. Ian came home two years ago from a week at Bible camp and their team name was "Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die." Seriously. It. is. a. long. name. And Ian was the one who suggested it to his group. That became the catch phrase for months for everything. I know people thought we worshiped that movie for a time.

Now is the point you may want to stop reading. These are good and wonderful memories and there are many more like them we will share over time. But the rest of this blog gets heavy....

Still reading? Then I need you to pray for us. It has been rough around here and what made me remember all these funny things is how they are now missing.

Inigo Montoya: Do you hear that, Fezzik? That is the sound of ultimate suffering. My heart made that sound when the six-fingered man killed my father. 

It's "inconceivable" to me that my baby has gone Home.
It's "inconceivable" to me that my baby won't come home.
It's "inconceivable" to me that I won't hear his voice today or tomorrow.
It's "inconceivable" to me that he won't bear hug me.
It's "inconceivable" to me that our family will ever have joy again.
It's "inconceivable" to me that with this much pain I am able to take another breath.
It's "inconceivable" to me that I will continue to live after going through what I was sure would kill me.
It's "inconceivable" to me that I can survive this much pain.
It's "inconceivable" to me that the tears stop for awhile.
It's "inconceivable" to me that I won't be able to play with his hair.
It's "inconceivable" to me that life is so damn unfair.
It's "inconceivable" to me that we might take family pictures again.
It's "inconceivable" to me that Ian 'leap frogged' me into Heaven.
It's "inconceivable" to me that my baby is not here for me to hold and to love.
It's "inconceivable" to me that Ian won't tell me he loves me twice just to be sure he said it once.

In the movie Inigo says to Vizzini, "You keep using that word [inconceivable]. I do not think it means what you think it means."

I do think it means what I think it means. And I think it is by the grace of God I can ponder these things, learn to believe them slowly overtime and still be inexhaustibly sad about them, but not be able to fully grasp them in the here and now. For surely, if these things were truly conceivable I would cease to breathe.

One thing that is conceivable is my love for my son and his for me (thank you Roland for the reminder):

Westley: I told you I would always come for you. Why didn't you wait for me?
Buttercup: Well... you were dead.
Westley: Death cannot stop true love. All it can do is delay it for a while.
Buttercup: I will never doubt again.
Westley: There will never be a need.

and

Buttercup: You can't hurt me. Westley and I are joined by the bonds of love. And you cannot track that, not with a thousand bloodhounds, and you cannot break it, not with a thousand swords.

and

The Impressive Clergyman: And wuv, tru wuv, will fowow you foweva...

In these really deep and dark times I pray and read scripture. I was encouraged by a reading of Piper to memorize and hold tight to Isaiah 41:10:

fear not, for I am with you;
    be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Maybe instead of movie/TV quotes we should have worked more on scripture...

I wuv you e. I will wuv you foweva.

[If you are getting the email version you will not see the photo that will be posted after noon on Sunday to this webpage. I am too tired to get it out tonight....wait...."THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!"]

A Word from E

("SAD" - single awareness day - but it has new meaning since April 19th.)

Five months in no-man's land...by Dad

I feel stuck between yesterday, today and tomorrow.

Yesterday - the Beatles said it well:

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away;
Now it looks as though they're here to stay;
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be;
There's a shadow hanging over me;
Oh, yesterday came suddenly.

Five months ago yesterday became a dream, a wish, a desire ripped from my life as Ian abruptly left our home to enter his eternal home. Yesterday seems like the golden years, the good times, and today feels like I am stuck in mire and muck.

Today - How to live with the shadow covering so much of life? Exacerbated by memories, pictures, hopes and dreams? How to live maimed emotionally, spiritually and physically by the loss of Ian? How to find a new normal - when you just want yesterday? David Crowder reminds me that the shadow may be not just grief, but the very presence and protection of God (and yes Ian, as you would often tell me, it is in the key of B like almost all his songs!):

Life is full of light and shadow
O the joy and O the sorrow
O the sorrow
And yet will He bring
Dark to light
And yet will He bring
Day from night

When shadows fall on us
We will not fear
We will remember
When darkness falls on us
We will not fear
We will remember

When all seems lost
When we're thrown and we're tossed
We remember the cost
We rest in Him
Shadow of the cross (Shadows by DCB)
-------
Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me, for in you my soul takes refuge;
in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge, till the storms of destruction pass by. I cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills his purpose for me. (Psalms 57:1-2)

Tomorrow - The key must be here. Going back to yesterday is impossible; dwelling in yesterday, today, is madness; ignoring the pain is impossible. Tomorrow must equate with hope - in Christ there is hope, for a future, reunion, joy and endurance for road to get there. In God's promises is the strength and hope for healing. As King David and Bono sang (good company!):

I waited patiently for the Lord;
he inclined to me and heard my cry.
He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog,
and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear,
and put their trust in the Lord. (Psalms 40:1-3)
-------
How long to sing this song?
How long to sing this song?
How long...how long...how long...I long to sing a new song. (40 by U2)

Lord, draw me out of the pit, put a new song in my mouth, glorify Your Name. Lead me from my yesterday to Your tomorrow - please do this starting today. Until then I will be:

waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for himself a people for his own possession who are zealous for good works. (Titus 2:13-14)

Yesterday, today, tomorrow....

Q&A

So much has happened since Silver Taps (click here for Silver Taps article on Ian) just a little over a week ago. For example a sermon on missional community (Bible Study), where we are to lean on each other for support during our life journey. And, boy, do Greg and I lean on the beautiful people in our Bible Study!  This week we talked about lots of silly fun things and we talked about Ian and choices, about adoption and about heaven and sorrow. There was also a sermon on the gospel and how to live as God's poem in the time we have (click here for excellent sermon: Gospel & Community).

Those of us who are left behind, not like the book series Left Behind, but left behind when someone whose such an integral part of your world leaves such a gaping void that is truly indescribable,  in vain we look for answers to questions that will not be answered on this side of Heaven. They will only be answered once we truly go Home....not that any answer would change how we feel. Truly it's difficult, even impossible, to believe any answer would alleviate our sorrow, yet, the questions are still there. 

Questions like why didn't Ian pull over? Why was there a bus in that exact location? Why me? Why me after so much in my life has already been difficult does the rest of it have to be sad? Why do our most fervent prayers go unanswered? 

So here are some of my "answers" after the sermon series and Bible Study that may change as time passes because we cannot be certain (yet). 

I don't think the reason Ian did not pull over that day was because he believed he was indestructible as most 19-year-olds think they are. I don't think he pulled over that day because he had no fear of dying. He was not a daredevil, but he also wasn't scared of losing his life. He was secure in who he was and lived life to the fullest. He lived his life as Caylea so aptly pointed out 19 hours (huh, 19 hours...) after his Homecoming as though he were ready (Luke 12:35-48). Not a daredevil, not overly cautious, just without fear because he was ready. 

So why me? After so much in my life has already been difficult why does the rest of it have to be tinged with sadness and heartache? Flip, the one true answer leads to another question: "Why not me?" Who am I that I should not suffer if Jesus was willing to suffer for me. 

And, Lord, why not me, instead of Ian? The answer to that question seems to be that if Ian was ready and fulfilled his purpose here, I have not. Since his passing, believe me when I say I am ready! But, in all honesty, do I live that out? Clearly I have not completed my purpose here. Most days I even wonder what it is. I was reminded at the Austin Stone on Sunday to live out the Gospel as though I'm God's poem, not a seat warmer on Sunday mornings. 

Why do some of my prayers go unanswered, especially those on April 19th? I prayed from the bottom of my soul out through the top of my lungs that afternoon that my child be spared. I prayed and begged God. Begged. Pleaded. And begged more. And, in the end, before we ever even talked to the Trooper I knew the answer to my question. I knew my prayers were in vain, yet I still had to ask. I still had to ask. It's not fair to say God didn't answer my prayer. He did. I just didn't, don't and won't ever, at least here on earth, like His answer. People have actually said I cannot be mad at God. Well, I can prove otherwise. Just ask Him. 

And it's always so odd to me that others feel they know the answers! Many people in trying to provide comfort have said "he's in a better place" and "he wouldn't come home if he could." Duh. I'm not that naive. I know my child is in a better place. These aren't answers to the questions I have and they bring little comfort reminding me what I already know because the comfort I long for is my child's smile, the warmth of his hugs and the non stop chattiness in my now very quiet world. You don't have the answers any more than I do. I know you want to help and be a comfort, so cry with me, hug me, tell me stories about my son and know its okay not to have the answers. 

But, from a conversation this week in Bible Study, I began to wonder (yes, in vain, tried to find another answer) if Ian had been given the choice at the moment of impact to survive and stay here on earth for another 70 years or to go be with Jesus in person for all eternity which would he choose? 

If you knew Ian and the compassion and empathy that is in his heart it would seem he would instantly answer that he would stay here. He would never intentionally cause so many people grief and sadness, especially his momma! It seems he would stay simply so he could keep on loving people. 

But that conversation challenged me to really consider this question of choice. Challenged me, because Ian loved God first and foremost and that for him it would most likely not even be a choice.  Christ, for Ian, would be the only choice. (MercyMe sings it - Finally Home).

Truth be told, once we turn to Jesus we are adopted as sons and daughters. Ian went Home. I keep saying that, but he really did. He left his temporary home to go to his real Home. The one he was chosen by God, in God's perfect timing (clearly not mine) to join. He was invited by the Holy of holies to enter Glory! 

Heaven. What must it be like? Walking hand-in-hand with the creator of the universe as a full time worshipper, getting all your questions answered--questions that are now burning in me. I would want Ian to choose here. The mom in me wants him to choose based on my selfish desires for grand-babies and daughter-in-laws, well one daughter-in-law, and to watch Ian growing and learning and being. I want him here to fill this big gaping void in my heart and in my mind.  

But God, ever so gently,  keeps whispering in my soul - Ian would have made the better choice, the only choice, to come Home. 

While I wait to go Home I pray that others can lean on me, that I live like a child adopted by the King, like His poem, living out the Gospel in my life just as everyday since Ian's Homecoming has been proof that's what he did. May I be ready. 

"Homesick" by MercyMe

Pride and Prejudice and Winnie the Pooh

Dearest Butthead,

"You have bewitched me body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you."

Ok, so you know as well as I do that was a romantic line from Pride and Prejudice since you were the only male to read it for 9th grade English AP, but, nevertheless it is a true statement from me to you. And because it's true I have been mad with you and calling you "Butthead" for two weeks. Why didn't you pull over if you were so tired? Why?

So, Butthead, let me tell you what's on my mind as if you were right here (as I know you must be). We all make choices and they have consequences and, except on rare occasion, those choices/consequences impact others. Yes, I know we have had this conversation before, but it feels worthy of having again, if just for myself.

And, I know of what I speak. When I was seventeen and thought having a baby would provide me ALONE with love, my choice had lifelong consequences for myself, his dad, Danny and all of our family, all of our friends and even your dad and his parents and their friends, and the list continues. Some of the consequences of my choices have been negative, as you know. But so many God has used to bring glory to Himself, redeeming what could have been a most disastrous choice on my part.

Over 19 years I have watched you make choices that have consistently put others first. You listened and absorbed what others said, but more importantly, felt what their hearts were saying and the consequences were always the same; a new, deep and lasting relationship that made others feel safe, important, understood and loved.

You have also made some choices that cost you time, energy and money; for example, losing your car for 6 months and then later after making an even more stupid - yes, stupid - choice, having your car sold as a consequence! That was a pain for all of us - not just you - giving you rides or you just missing out on things. But in the same year, you chose to give your six month old XBox 360 to a nine year old boy because he didn't have a play system, a boy you never met.

You chose to carry a Hello Kitty backpack your senior year of high school, the consequences of such I can only guess....but I'm sure it allowed you to connect with others, even if just spurring a new conversation which would become a new friendship.

You made so many good choices and so many great choices and so many sacrificial choices along with plenty of moronic choices most teenage boys make, that when you chose not to make one of the simplest choices--by pulling over when you were sleepy--it is so hard to stay mad at you. But dang it, that one simple choice has impacted so many people.

People all over the world are weeping for you, weeping for us, weeping for our family, weeping for friends (FYI - you had too many to count), weeping because no one else can make them smile like you did, weeping because they will never have their personal space invaded by that big "curvaceous" behind of yours and infectious laugh, weeping because you loved unconditionally.

But many have turned to God because of your ministry here and clearly, God has used even your choice that day to bring glory to Himself, redeeming what will always be the worst day of our lives.

So, today you are lovingly my Butthead and as I read this quote by A. A. Milne who wrote Winnie the Pooh I thought of you: "How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye [for now] so hard."

Ian, I love, I love, I love you.

Mom

p.s. Every moment we miss you.