Dearest Butthead,
"You have bewitched me body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you."
Ok, so you know as well as I do that was a romantic line from Pride and Prejudice since you were the only male to read it for 9th grade English AP, but, nevertheless it is a true statement from me to you. And because it's true I have been mad with you and calling you "Butthead" for two weeks. Why didn't you pull over if you were so tired? Why?
So, Butthead, let me tell you what's on my mind as if you were right here (as I know you must be). We all make choices and they have consequences and, except on rare occasion, those choices/consequences impact others. Yes, I know we have had this conversation before, but it feels worthy of having again, if just for myself.
And, I know of what I speak. When I was seventeen and thought having a baby would provide me ALONE with love, my choice had lifelong consequences for myself, his dad, Danny and all of our family, all of our friends and even your dad and his parents and their friends, and the list continues. Some of the consequences of my choices have been negative, as you know. But so many God has used to bring glory to Himself, redeeming what could have been a most disastrous choice on my part.
Over 19 years I have watched you make choices that have consistently put others first. You listened and absorbed what others said, but more importantly, felt what their hearts were saying and the consequences were always the same; a new, deep and lasting relationship that made others feel safe, important, understood and loved.
You have also made some choices that cost you time, energy and money; for example, losing your car for 6 months and then later after making an even more stupid - yes, stupid - choice, having your car sold as a consequence! That was a pain for all of us - not just you - giving you rides or you just missing out on things. But in the same year, you chose to give your six month old XBox 360 to a nine year old boy because he didn't have a play system, a boy you never met.
You chose to carry a Hello Kitty backpack your senior year of high school, the consequences of such I can only guess....but I'm sure it allowed you to connect with others, even if just spurring a new conversation which would become a new friendship.
You made so many good choices and so many great choices and so many sacrificial choices along with plenty of moronic choices most teenage boys make, that when you chose not to make one of the simplest choices--by pulling over when you were sleepy--it is so hard to stay mad at you. But dang it, that one simple choice has impacted so many people.
People all over the world are weeping for you, weeping for us, weeping for our family, weeping for friends (FYI - you had too many to count), weeping because no one else can make them smile like you did, weeping because they will never have their personal space invaded by that big "curvaceous" behind of yours and infectious laugh, weeping because you loved unconditionally.
But many have turned to God because of your ministry here and clearly, God has used even your choice that day to bring glory to Himself, redeeming what will always be the worst day of our lives.
So, today you are lovingly my Butthead and as I read this quote by A. A. Milne who wrote Winnie the Pooh I thought of you: "How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye [for now] so hard."
Ian, I love, I love, I love you.
Mom
p.s. Every moment we miss you.
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