It isn't fair.

Ian,

In so many ways you leaving is so damn unfair.

My heart, what is left of it, is hurting. I miss my baby. And it seems lately I have become the person to contact when others are experiencing tragedy. Maybe because I understand and can hurt with them...experience empathy in the way you always did. But it isn't fair, I am already hurting!

But then I was thinking I am fairly sure people told me of tragedies before, I just didn't get it. I would "pray for the family members" and go on about my day, my life. Now my heart weeps for them over and over and breaks all over again for you. It isn't fair to feel this much pain over and over and over again.

And on a daily basis, sometimes hourly, and sometimes with every breath I take feel sucker punched, out of breath and nauseous as I recall that I won't see you this weekend, that you won't be texting about your activities, that I can't call you and tell you about new happenings. It isn't fair. It isn't fair. It isn't fair.

And sometimes I am angry at you or God or you both because the pain feels so unbearable and I know it will be with me my whole life, which already feels like 264 days too long. It isn't fair Ian. It isn't fair God.

So, that's it, that is all I wanted to say--it isn't fair, life that is.

I love you Ian.

Mom