100 Days

100 days is not very long. Time has a way of playing games with you. Some days feel like yesterday. Some days feel like years ago and some days feel like they're never going to end. Tomorrow doesn't seem real because 100 days ago life was forever altered in our little universe.

In 100 days I've learned a life can change forever, for the better. Watching my oldest son deal with loss of his brother in the best way possible. And doing everything he can to live a life he can be proud, we are proud of, but more importantly a life Ian IS proud of - a life that honors God.

In 100 days I have watched a shy young lady turn into a strong powerful beautiful outgoing woman who one day will rule her world with such power and grace that no man could turn their eyes away from her heart. A heart that serves Jesus first.

In 100 days I have watched the man I love cry tears for the young man that left and knowing all along that for each tear he sheds his broken heart is healing slowly, very very slowly, through the grace and peace only God can provide.

In 100 days I have learned that Jesus' power is made perfect in my weakness and I AM WEAK and I am broken and I am devastated. It truly is beyond words to comprehend my feelings most days. I have learned in 100 days that I will survive this even though at first, and still at times, I thought I never would.

Ian you've made us all stronger and weaker at the same time. Your space in our family was huge and it will always be there (although it seems to have grown if that were possible!) and we would move heaven and earth if you could be here physically with us if even for a moment. But if you can't be here we are eternally grateful that you're with our heavenly Father and we look forward to seeing you soon, maybe not in 100 days or 100 weeks, but someday. And when that day comes and when were all sitting around that big table in our new "Home" playing high/low for the day, laughing about something silly someone has done, all will be right in the world again.

In 100 days I have learned two very powerful lessons. The first is that for the rest of our family's lives (and those of everyone you loved and loved you) will be marked with sadness, sometimes intense, sometimes deep, sometimes just lying under the surface, but it will always be there. The second and most powerful lesson I have learned is that through our suffering we will all be closer to Christ. We are Christians. We say that we want to be like Christ. We say we will follow Him. But, just like every other human, we don't want to be hungry for 40 days. We don't want to be beaten, abused, or forsaken. But as Christians we are to follow Christ and the more we follow Him the more we know Him and the more we know Him the more we know our heavenly Father who is the provider of peace that surpasses all understanding - most especially in the past 100 days and all the days that will follow.

... I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:8-10 ESV)

I would give anything -- anything -- to have Ian in my arms today. Right now I will embrace the suffering knowing that it is leading me closer to my Lord and that one day I will finally get another bear hug from my son, until then (some how, still beyond my mental and emotional understanding) in my weakness Christ's power is made perfect and is making me stronger.

Ian, like Stephen in the Bible who had a young Paul at his stoning and "death", you have provided us a path to be better individuals, to be strong by being weak. And you lived a life here on earth that emulated Christ's love so much so that people were drawn to "it" - whatever "it" was and when your ministry here on earth was done you (literally) fell asleep.

... And when [Stephen] had said this, he fell asleep. (Acts 7:60 ESV)

I am so very proud of the life you had here Ian, the amazing and everlasting impact you are still having, and, maybe one day soon I can be at peace and rejoice that you are in the arms of our Savior now. Until then I will take comfort in your words I found Friday . . .

From your sloppy handwriting straight to God’s eyes.

I love you E.

One weak momma . . . for now.

Bittersweet Moments

Bittersweet - producing or expressing a mixture of pain and pleasure. A word used nonstop in our house as of late.

Last week was filled with one bittersweet moment after another. We had visits from Terry, Gina, Trestan, John, Brenda and Evan (not in picture). Of course the entire time Ian had a presence we all felt and loved and missed - especially when it came to making the Hillis Honey Butter Chicken Biscuits from scratch! The first time I had these was one of the first times Ian brought Terry home. Watching and talking to all of them brought us so much pleasure that outweighed the pain of the lack of Ian's physical presence. We cannot wait to see our newly adopted family again. Greg was right - our quiver is overflowing.

Then on Wednesday my surrogate grand-baby "SoSo" (as I like to call her because she is so so cute, so so adorable, so so beautiful and so so perfect) was born.

Sophia is a treasure. I believe seeing her was the first time I have experienced "pure joy" since April 19. She really is perfect. As I left that little one behind I was reminded of my own little one, my own baby, the baby of our family and the tears flowed for a long time. Bittersweet. 

Wednesday evening we had our first official Bible study with a group of people who also know our kind of loss - the sermon topic - ready for this - "Lament." A great podcast - http://grace360.org/sermons/

Then Friday. Friday and three months. Three months. We had our first super odd bittersweet family outing - all five of us. We found out earlier in the week Ian's autopsy was completely clear, which we knew - duh! and his connective tissues and bone used in bone grafts were available for donation. So as a family we all went to the Blood and Tissue donation center to donate blood and platelets (along with John, Brenda and Xiuzhu), while E's donations were available next door waiting for the call. His own donations will help at least 40-50 people and potentially 2-3 times that amount. Praise God. But really, really bittersweet.

Saturday we visited with SoSo again after buying out all the cute stuff at Target! Then we had a surprise visit from our friends from the UAE. We love the Coopers!!! But they made me cry bittersweet tears! They gave me a necklace with Ian's full name so that he can be with me all the time.... 

Well, let's not stop the tears yet...we had pictures to hang in the house that would balance out that not only do we have one child who has been the center of attention for the past three months, but we have two others. So Sunday. Sunday we hung our "family outing" photos taken after E went home. This one kind of says it all and you can imagine the emotion behind it....

That was followed by Caylea getting her tattoo finished. It is simply beautiful and really really bittersweet as well. Danny had more done on his and next Sunday Greg will have his started. And then I was able to spend the evening with some of the best women on the planet who brought me immeasurable comfort as they listened to me share God's testimony in our lives over the past three months.

Now for what has managed to get me through this past week with it's mixture of intense, unendurable pain and pleasure mixed with moments of pure joy: Colossians 1:11-12 (the Message): We pray that you’ll have the strength to stick it out over the long haul—not the grim strength of gritting your teeth but the glory-strength God gives. It is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy, thanking the Father who makes us strong enough to take part in everything bright and beautiful that he has for us.

Clearly we love you dearly and miss you E, but without doubt your love and legacy will live on through all of us.

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The right words

Ian,

I have struggled looking for the right words. Leave it to the Bible to help me out: 

Job expressed this sentiment: “If only my anguish could be weighed and all my misery be placed on the scales! It would surely outweigh the sand of the seas-no wonder my words have been impetuous” (Job 6:2-3).

That's the weight of your loss on my mind, body and soul. This cannot be how it was suppose to go. It just cannot be. 

~ mom

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The grieving process for me.

The grieving process cannot be done without God, at least I cannot see it!! But, this is the process. The more we grieve the more we move on. 

Psalm 23 - Greg and I are WALKING in the shadow of death with the rod and staff. Sometimes we want to sit and stay, sometimes we want to crawl, most of the time we want to go back, but God is bringing us comfort and healing by keeping us walking forward. His rod gently keeps us on track and his staff pulls us back in line.

Praise His Holy Name!

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_______________________________________
Excerpted from Nathan J. Stone (1987-01-01). Names Of God. Moody Publishers. Kindle Edition.
Jehovah-rohi
THE NAME JEHOVAH-ROHI means Jehovah my Shepherd. It is that most precious designation of Jehovah that begins the Twenty-third Psalm, where it is translated, “The Lord is my shepherd.” Perhaps it is not so specifically a name of Jehovah as the other names that have been studied, but no designation of Jehovah has brought more comfort to the heart or sounded sweeter to the ears of the saints of both Old and New Testaments, ancient and modern, than this beautiful expression.

Another Beautiful Legacy - Brendan

I don't even know where to begin with Brendan - one of Ian's best friends, a strong christian who looked forward to rooming with Ian in the fall.

March 30 was Brendan's birthday and Ian went to Woodland's for the weekend and spent time with Brendan's precious family and then with Danny. That bonding time with Danny was a well-timed gift straight from God!

Then Ian went home. [For those who think we have it altogether when we say this - we don't. It sucks. Often. Often in fetal position. Or with the need to hit something.]

Then insurance money started coming in for all the expenses - mostly doctor, medication, tattoos and therapist visits [see - we aren't THAT strong, weird, but not strong]. We also wanted to tithe from the insurance money in Ian's name as it was his money and we didn't want to spend a single penny on something that did not honor Ian. (By the way, he had the minimum of life insurance - highly suggest for all parents to invest that small amount each month for the unexpected.)

Ian's last Facebook message post the morning of his homecoming talked about a week long mission trip to El Salvador we took as a family three years ago and the (clear) lasting impact it made on his life. When we heard that Brendan was moved by Ian to be involved in missions this summer, we prayed one Saturday morning about just tithing all of it to Brendan and not trying to figure out over the next 'whenever' to 'whomever' to give the money and we knew Brendan (and found out later Ian) wanted to go to Africa maybe next year after saving up the funds.

So first we called his mom on a Sunday. She said "YES, he wanted to go to Africa this year and that this would be a blessing." We then called Brendan and here is a picture someone just happened to snap of that phone call we made to him while he was on mission in Norman, Oklahoma (God is awesome and confirming that we were being obedient):

He was so grateful for the gift God provided him through Ian's generosity. [We had zero to do with it, God spoke and we obeyed.] The only thing we asked is that Brendan take a bit of Ian to Nairobi, Africa with him and leave a part of him yet on another continent.

So here is the Beautiful-Totally-God-Thing: We immediately hung up with Brendan and he called the church to find out they were booking tickets and had he called several hours later he would not have been able to go!

Go God!

Now, the hard part for us. Brendan came this past Thursday on July 4th and left this morning. I am so very happy for our adopted son and the stories we heard over the past few days, many of which had us in stitches and some in tears. We learned lots of things about Ian and college life we didn't know, but nothing that surprised us. Ian lived life to the fullest and did not want to be bound by his health limitations (you would not know existed looking at him). But, in our heart of hearts, we would much prefer to send Ian as a whole young man still anxious to serve God here on earth to Africa rather than just a small part of his earthly body.

We dearly miss our man of God. And we know he is with us and we will see him again, it just isn't none too soon!

[More on Brendan's journey - "My Journey"]

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Chips and Holidays

Chips. Last night I cried because we only had one bag of chips instead of 10 on the shelf. Ian's favorite food. Chips made me cry like a newborn in fetal position for 15 minutes while I listened to E's rendition of "Oh How He Loves."

We skipped Mother's Day - except for my beautiful December birthstone tanzanite ring.  We skipped Dad's birthday. We mostly celebrated Father's Day and even gave Dad a very nice toiletry bag from {Ian} wrapped in an A&M bag. But today is now July 4th. Not a big holiday, but a long weekend...weekends tend to be long and still suck...let's add two days! I think it is going to be a big help that Brendan Kelly is coming to stay for a few days. He will be going to Nairobi, Africa in two weeks and taking Ian with him. Brendan sounds like Ian, also a man of God...

Anyway, God, I love you and I know you love my son more than me. Please give him a big old bear hug from me and let him know I expect him to be waiting for me right behind Jesus when I enter Glory. I miss him more than words or tears or fetal positions over stupid chips could ever say. 

I love you Ian. You left us too soon. I wasn't ready even if you were. 

~ mom

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Life is Different

Ian,

I have wanted to write but find I am not motivated. Life is forever different without your daily presence in our lives. Not that you aren't with us, or feel close to you, but we desperately miss the tangible ways in which you chatted, related, hugged, even argued. Everyday but two have been a cry fest between me, my emotions for you, my anger with God, always ending with me asking Him for help, mercy and guidance. I pray your homecoming would allow me to be a bold witness for Jesus. 

This weekend we picked up Luna Lovegood. You would like her. She's friendly and spunky. I remember when you picked out Amelia and I had a moment and feel I may have spoiled Danny's a bit. But he was sweet and had Caylea come check on me. 

Danny is part of your legacy and was inspired by you, and I have been inspired by him. I know one day I will stand with you arm and arm and rejoice about Danny and all the others you influenced, but I truly wish it had gone differently. I want you here everyday telling me how I'm wrong and then maybe later that I'm not. 

I can just imagine you watching as we did Caylea's hair color tonight with 5-6 washings to reduce the color to no avail, to bleaching, to coloring, to a final color that was nearly what we started with!! Shelley was very patient. It is hard to see her heart breaking for you. Maybe she will be a legacy too. Mandi's already talking being part of your legacy. 

I love you E. I think you might be able to see my love for you and everyday I see your love for me. Thank you. Thank you God for my little boy. I would have had him again even if I knew that meant 19 seconds, 19 minutes, 19 days, 19 months or 19 years and 3 months and 19 days.

~ mom

Please leave a brief comment - maybe even your initials for each post? Just curious to who the readers are! Love to you each.