Your other momma passed me an article on Advent and "the ones who know longing." That is one way to describe how I feel: longing. Longing for 237 days.
Christmas has always been my most favorite holiday. Oh, how I long for you to join us this Christmas. I remember very distinctly going to Christmas Eve service with you at the Stone when they decided to only read scripture and sing. It was a beautiful worship service where all glory was focused on God. It was your love of that service that helped us as we prepared your own service to celebrate your life here. A little talking, scripture, sing, repeat, repeat, repeat.
Now all I have after nearly 8 months repeating in my mind over and over and over again is April 19. Various aspects of that day. Our last conversations, three of them that morning. Oh, how I long for things to have gone differently. My frustrations over stupid things like your broken phone, over when you were going to arrive and over your school paper all seem so petty. I drove my self crazy initially wondering if our last words were "I love you." But I know they had to be. They always were. Always, even if you were hanging up with me as you walked into the house and greeted me in person. But, I keep wondering how things may have gone that day if only ... if only ... if only ... It makes all the days after different, trying desperately to avoid the if onlys.
I won't lie. It isn't getting easier. I think I have cried more these past two weeks than I have in the month previous. And I have noticed a definitive change in my crying. Up until about a month ago it was mostly tears, wailing, and guttural moans. Now it is just sobbing. FYI--with sobbing there is so much snot! Did you know that? I can't breathe after a few minutes. It makes the muffling more difficult. Yes, I prefer to cry alone and without notice. It is how my conversations start with you and end with God. When others are around the conversations are interrupted. This crying surge...well I kind of did it to myself (but I still blame you). I posted a picture of you with your 2012 Christmas ornament on your Facebook page and that one just sets me off for a good spell. Someone said the other day you are "beautiful" and every time I see that picture I think the same. I have three beautiful children and one of them I long to see, I long to hear, I long to hold.
I also posted to Facebook someways to donate through the holiday's in your honor and have been blessed by the response of those who love you. You have awesome friends and family. Really. In your wake they have rallied and blessed others. Little girls will have beautiful hair. Funding for education. Funding for ministry. Life-giving blood and the offer of organ donation. Stories and pictures for your dad and I to treasure and T-shirts to keep us warm. The deep and agonizing longing of our hearts for you cannot be filled by these acts of kindness, but they soothe the pain and leave a lasting legacy.
As I end, the song "O come, O come, Emmanuel" is an old favorite and as I listen to the words they have new meaning and for the first time in my 40+ years I believe I understand the author more fully.
Ian, I love you. I love you more. I love you most.
Mom
O come, O come, Emmanuel
And ransom captive Israel
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.
O come, Thou Rod of Jesse, free
Thine own from Satan's tyranny
From depths of Hell Thy people save
And give them victory o'er the grave
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.
O come, Thou Day-Spring, come and cheer
Our spirits by Thine advent here
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night
And death's dark shadows put to flight.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.
O come, Thou Key of David, come,
And open wide our heavenly home;
Make safe the way that leads on high,
And close the path to misery.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.
O come, O come, Thou Lord of might,
Who to Thy tribes, on Sinai's height,
In ancient times did'st give the Law,
In cloud, and majesty and awe.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel
Shall come to thee, O Israel.
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